


The Exposè

by steampunkepsilon



Category: Pacific Rim
Genre: Anxiety, Body Insecurities, Cuddles, Fluff, FtM Newt, M/M, Nudity, Self Esteem Issues, Trans!Newt, potentially ableist language, some potentially self-targeting transphobic language? Newt has issues with loving himself, tummy nuzzles, very understanding herms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 08:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2500553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steampunkepsilon/pseuds/steampunkepsilon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Trans!Newt decides it's time he conquered his fears of visible rejection. Just a little goopy fic because there isn't enough FtM!Newt and I wanted fluffles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Exposè

**Author's Note:**

> *Note*: So looking back on this, a lot of stuff here is cringy and uncomfortable, and I'm not ready to delete it, but there's definitely some things I'm not incredibly happy with anymore. Read with a grain of salt. Peace~

“ Okay, just – don’t _laugh._ “

Seated on the edge of the bed in Newt’s quarters, Hermann looked up at him halfway through working off one shoe and raised a brow, watching him lock the door and turn. “ Newton, do you really think I would do that? With _this_ of all things? “ he asked, setting the shoe aside. 

He frowned a little, shrugging off his jacket and dropping it over the chair near the small, cluttered desk and his dresser before he knelt to untie his boots. “ I’m just saying, it’s happened before, so at least try to pretend you’re not gonna bust a gut laughing or anything, yeah? “

“ I am not going to bust _anything_ laughing at you. “ Both shoes off, he set them neatly aside, straightening to unbutton his coat and slide it off as well. Once it was neatly folded and draped over the storage cupboard at the end of the bed, he turned his attention back to the biologist, hands in his lap. “ This is a very serious, intimate… “

He paused, and Newt quirked a brow, glancing up from the floor. “ Moment? “

“ Yes, _moment,_ and I‘m not going to disrespect or mock you over it. Even I have some semblance of propriety and understanding. “ 

Another pause followed, and Newt had worked both boots off and tossed them aside, looking up again and pursing his lips for a moment quietly. “ Promise? “ he asked, tone equal parts anxious and hopeful. 

His gaze softened a bit and lifted his hands, beckoning him over gently. Newt stood to cross the soul-suckingly cold floor in socked feet, taking the offered grasp with fingers shifting a bit still. “ I promise, “ Hermann said solemnly, leaning slightly to kiss the knuckles of both hands and lowering them again with a brief squeeze of reassurance. Newt seemed to sag a tiny bit in relief, nodding slightly and squeezing them back before he pulled away to loosen his tie. It didn’t take much and he dropped it unceremoniously over the end of the bed, and as always, Hermann plucked it up with a huff to fold it instead, watching him quietly as he moved on to his shirt. 

He was nervous, shaking a tiny bit with anxiety and maybe even a bit of fear, regardless of Hermann’s promise. He could make all the promises he liked but there was no telling how he would _really_ react and he knew, _he knew_ Hermann knew what to expect and the physical aspects of all of it, it was impossible for him not to at this point – he’d known since the first time they actually met in person, when he was still awkwardly mid-transition, and people still called him _Natalia_. He’d told him what there wasn’t and about the spread of his ink, and they’d hugged and laid together and grabbed at each other and there was realistically no way that Hermann didn’t already have some kind of vague mental map of his body at this point. 

Even so, even with all of that and everything else and testosterone and the _Drift,_ which had effectively stripped them of any real privacy between the two of them, and binders and _them,_ his stupid conflicted brain still couldn’t get past experiences out of the way, and he paused more heavily than he intended to before he finished unbuttoning his shirt and unrolled his sleeves. Hermann opened his mouth as if to speak and Newt silenced him by speeding up the process, denying his nerves and tossing the shirt down. It was more bare than he’d ever let himself be around the other man, and while there was still an undershirt, he was down to two layers and that was…beyond unsettling. Bare shoulders and no folds to hide anything, but it was a step in the right(?) direction. Like clockwork, Hermann picked up his shirt to fold it, though his eyes were still on Newt. 

“…Kay, “ he said quietly, playing with the edge of his shirt where it tucked into his waistband. “ You ready? “

Hermann nodded softly, setting the crisply-folded shirt down beside his jacket. “ Are you? “

Newt glanced down his chest briefly, considering that as he studied the not-quite-flat planes of his torso and green-blue-red whorls peeking out and stretching over his arms from beneath the cotton, the little hint of a curve where he was still biologically predisposed to wider hips. He took a short breath and nodded, fidgeting a little longer before he tugged the shirt up and over his stomach, pulling it off over his head and dropping it before he could lose his balls ( _ha_ ) and put it back on. He looked back at Hermann, hands stiff at his sides and toes shifting where he stood, and was definitely just slightly floored when he didn’t even notice the crumpled article of clothing that was now flopped over the bedspread. 

Hermann was, all in all, a modest, respectful person. He averted his eyes when Newt asked him too and didn’t touch where he didn’t want to be touched and hell, kissing in public was close enough to the line of intimate behaviors that he still went a little pink when it happened. Behind closed doors, he was still a fussy gentleman, but that went right out the window as his eyes fell over Newt’s torso, a mix of ink and fabric and a figure not quite soft and not quite rigid. The binder was just enough to cover his bust, like a sports bra, and while it did a damn good job of turning whatever lay beneath into next to nothing, it was still just some cleverly-stitched-together fabric and elastic. The tattoos were distracting enough, too, and Hermann had never seen the full extent of them, so at least some of his eye-roaming was purely because of that, but Newt still averted his gaze firmly, cheeks warm and working very hard to look anywhere but at Hermann. He still had pants and hell, he wasn’t even technically topless yet but it was more skin than he’d bared up till now to anyone else but a doctor in a long, long time, and it was one layer away from naked and he felt like he was going to turn and bolt any second, but he stayed where he was and let him look. It was quiet for a few long moments before he finally glanced down, and he found Hermann still looking, though he hadn’t moved an inch since the shirt came off. 

“ Hermann, dude, “ he said after a second, a hint of a discomforted whine in his voice. The other man blinked and glanced up, and Newt shifted where he stood, swallowing. “ You’re _staring._ “

“ Sorry, “ he frowned, looking down and up again with a little bit of color tinting his face as well at the realization. “ Do you…want me to…? “

“ Uh, “ he said, pausing and shifting a bit again before he glanced down again, lips making a thin line. He fumbled with his belt until he could get it unbuckled and moved onto the button, pausing again with cheeks warm and chest tight and a little tremor of anxiety still making his pulse wig out a little. “ It’s….it’s kind of weird, ‘kay? Just… “

“ Newt, “ Hermann said again gently. 

“ Sorry! Sorry, I just….I don’t wanna freak you out or anything. “ He swallowed and pushed aside the various concerns about appearance and hygiene and everything else before slipping his thumbs under his waistband to work it off his hips and down his legs. Kicking the pants aside once they hit the floor, he stilled again, standing with hands fisted at his sides and fingers twitching quietly. 

At first glance, over all, he figured he could definitely briefly pass as a hundred percent male, shoulders a little broader and hips a little less pronounced and muscle and fat distribution different thanks to the T. The binder was obvious enough and there was a distinct lacking between his thighs, that was easily picked out after a moment’s glance, even though the underwear were pretty unisex and there was a little softness around his thighs that could vaguely have been able to help hide that missing piece. He’d never worn packers, liked how they looked but they felt wrong and they were awkward for him anyway, and he figured not many people spent time staring at his crotch so as long as he was alright up top, he could live with not having an authentic-looking dick bulge. Thankfully he only spent a few aching seconds there and was briefly more occupied by the tattoos, the spread of which he hadn’t seen, and Newt had to admit they were pretty impressive. He had a thing about stomach tattoos but the sides and down his thighs a bit were pretty decked out, up his arms and shoulders and back, and that kept Hermann’s gaze a little longer, though he could definitely tell when his eyes were skimming over the little hatching of hair below his navel and the slight round of his hips and thighs and the binder and everything else from leg hair to muscles to not-muscles. He kept his eyes on the wall firmly, throat tight, chest a little tighter. 

He’s so much better than anyone, ever, and you’re overreacting. He’s not going to call you a freak or walk away or turn you down, he’s just looking and he should get to look even though he’s been looking for sixty-five sixty-seven sixty-eight seconds and _goddammit Herms why do you have to be introspective and quiet_. 

Toes curling a little uneasily against the floor, he was almost ready to say something just to break the near minute-and-a-half of eerie silence when Hermann moved, lifting a hand suddenly and resting it against his side, just above his hip. Newt squeaked a little in surprise, and he looked up sharply, hand flinching away a little though he didn’t back off completely, blinking. “ Sorry, “ he said quickly. “ Sorry, I should have – “

“ It’s – uh, “ Newt stammered. “ It’s fine. Just – surprised me a little, and…uh. “ He paused, swallowed, took a breath. “ It’s fine. Just…nervous. “ He laughed a tiny bit anxiously. “ Like you can’t tell. “

“ I should have asked, “ Hermann said. “ Can I…? “

He nodded a fraction, because startled or not, it wasn’t a bad feeling, and Hermann rested his hand there again, cool against his skin as he looked him over a little more. This time Newt watched him, and his eyes weren’t judgmental or disgusted or anything like that, just… thorough. If he let himself think about it, it was almost fond, but Hermann was hard to read sometimes, forgiving the added boost of mutual understanding that the Drift had left behind. Palm sliding up a little to rest just aside the center of his stomach and below the hem of the binder, Hermann lifted his other hand to join it to the left after a moment, thumbs brushing over the curve of his ribcage on either side slowly and following the curls of red waves that swept around from his back piece there. He paused, leaning to the side a bit and pulling on him until he got the hint and turned around carefully, revealing the more detailed spread of Kaiju crawling over his skin. The only interruption was the binder and the edges of his underwear, and Hermann’s hands slid up his spin slowly until he met fabric, pausing. 

Ah. Shit. This part. Newt swallowed quietly, looking over his shoulder a bit and worrying his lip. “ …You, uh…you want me to…? “

“ Only if you’re comfortable with it, “ Hermann said, voice gentle but the words firm. “ If you aren’t, then no. “

He paused again, thumbs and forefingers rubbing together a little before he reached around to unhook the clasps on the side. There were a ton of them, at least ten, and he was still a little shaky, so it took what felt like forever to actually get them loosened up, and he swallowed a second time before carefully moving to wrestle it off. It took him a moment and some unattractive squirming, but he managed, discarding it on the bed with the rest of the clothes and keeping his back more or less to Hermann so he could stare a bit longer at the ink. Hands sliding up towards his shoulder blades carefully, he seemed to be mapping him out, taking in whatever he could as his palms moved to follow his scapulae, over towards each shoulder and down along his triceps until he reached Newt’s hands and gave them a squeeze. “ Turn around? “ he requested quietly, and Newt paused a long moment before squeezing them back and sliding free so he could turn again, face warm again and eyes on the bed. 

Nothing exceptionally flooring, just B-cups (or something like that, he wasn’t even sure anymore). But they still looked distinctly feminine in the mirror between testosterone-broadened shoulders and facial hair, and it didn’t help his attempt to feel congruent in masculine form, but he could only do so much. Hermann looked – this time he really couldn’t blame him, it came with the territory – but he didn’t stare and he didn’t look long, letting his eyes wander a little more as if he could tell (and he probably could) that the pointed studying made Newt squirm, and not in a great way. Fingertips gently resting against his sides again, they skimmed down a bit, palms settling over his hip bones where his underwear sat and going still. Glancing away from the bedspread long enough to look towards him, he made eye contact briefly and Newt coughed, cheeks going a little pinker. At first, Hermann only smiled, but then he snickered a little and then he was laughing, and Newt pursed his lips a bit, brow furrowed in confusion. 

“ You said you wouldn’t laugh! “ he protested. Hermann attempted to stifle himself with the back of one hand, the other still resting against Newt’s hip. 

“ I did, I’m sorry, “ he said between chuckles, clearing his throat a bit. “ Although I seem to recall that I was not to laugh about _this_. “ He gestured with a nod to his almost-naked form. “ Which I am not. “ Newt glanced down, then up again, crossing his arms over his chest after a beat, and no, he definitely wasn’t pouting. 

“ What are you laughing at, then? “

“ You, “ Hermann smiled, looking back at him quietly for a moment with lips turned up at the corners, and Newt blinked. 

“ Why? “ he asked, cautious, not quite so offended but still a bit suspicious.

“ Because you’ve been sitting on how to do this for months, “ he said gently, giving him a soft look. “ And you are exceptionally pink. “

“ Hey, I’m like…stark naked here, “ he grumbled, shifting his arms a little more to cover himself, and Hermann chuckled a bit again, reaching to shift his grasp and tug him closer by the waist with a gentle tug. Newt shuffled forward a bit and inhaled a little as the other man wrapped both arms around him, pulling him close enough to hug properly and press his face into the soft skin of his stomach, forehead resting against the bottom of his ribcage. He gave the top of Hermann’s head a look, eyes a little wider and face definitely a little redder, and he swallowed tightly, moving to rest one hand on the other’s hair lightly. Even his face was a little cooler against Newt’s belly and they were both quiet for a long moment, his heart slowly relaxing to a less frantic rate and his fingers still. It was a good few minutes before either of them moved, Hermann shifting his grasp to nuzzle slowly against his abdomen, and Newt cleared his throat a little. “ Does the big sap wanna hand me my tank top? “ he said, the usual sass trying to creep back into his voice. 

Snorting and reaching for it, Hermann sat up a little more, one hand still resting on his hip as he passed Newt his shirt again. He lifted his arms to shimmy it on, glancing down when he felt fingers tugging it down for him but not protesting the help; he was feeling significantly less like he wanted to exit the room through the floor, and his face was a little less strawberry red now, and Hermann fussed with the edges of his undershirt until it sat to his liking, and Newt let him. He considered tugging on a pair of sweats or shorts or something, but decided against it, giving Hermann a little nudge with a foot. 

“ I can’t be the only one in my underwear, dude, that’s not even _close_ to fair. “ 

Chuckling, Hermann rolled his eyes and moved to undress, first the sweatervest and then his buttons, which Newt was all too eager to help with from his awkward standing position. Once his shirt was untucked and open, he shirked it off the other man’s shoulders and helped strip it away, taking a tiny bit of joy in the disgruntled grimace his partner gave watching the fabric crumple messily over the corner of the bed where he dropped it. But he just sighed and sagged back against the mattress to unbutton his trousers, long fingers shedding them off his hips until he was able to kick them away onto the floor to join Newt’s. He’d grumble about the unfolded clothing tomorrow but they didn’t really have to be in the lab too early, and that was ample time for him to give him other things to think about than some wrinkled fabric. 

Hermann watched him as he crawled up towards the head of the bed to pull the covers down, staying reclined where he was with legs dangling off the edge of the bed until Newt looked back and raised a brow. “ Okay, is this staring thing new or do I just not usually catch you? “

“ I am not _staring,_ I’m just…watching you, “ he said, attempting to save himself and frowning. Newt rolled his eyes and grabbed one of the pillows from the head of the bed, swinging it around to hit him with it. Hermann shot a hand up in time to save himself from a direct blow to the face, but it thumped him in the chest and he batted it away, rolling to sit up and stretch before he joined Newt at the head of the bed. “ And it isn’t new, but I don’t stare. I just look. “

Newt snorted, reaching for the discarded pillow and stuffing it against the wall before he slid under the blankets, still sitting up as Hermann got settled. Once he was comfortably laid back against the mattress and fussing with the covers, he looked up, quirking a brow. Newt rolled his eyes, leaning over him on a hand to flip off the bedside lamp before he curled up against the other man’s side, nudging his arm until he got the memo and moved it so his chest was more available for use as a pillow. He fidgeted for a few minutes and Hermann was patient, letting him squirm and adjust as necessary until he was happy, cozied up with one leg thrown over Hermann’s knee and an arm across his waist, head tucked against his collarbone and ear over the steady thump of his heart under a bony ribcage. Hugging an arm around Newt’s shoulders, he sagged back into the sheets, sighing contentedly. 

“ I can handle looking, long as I’m allowed to look, too, “ Newt murmured after a moment, nuzzling against his shirt lightly. Hermann chuckled, the noise rumbling under his ear. 

“ Of course, “ he replied, rubbing his shoulder lightly and closing his eyes. “ I wouldn’t dare deny you the right to give me flirtatious stares across the lab. “

“ Now you’re telling me I stare. _Liar._ “

“ You love me anyway, even if I were lying, which I’m not. You’re very indiscreet. “

He rolled his eyes, burrowing his face against Hermann’s chest and squeezing him a little before he stilled again, content to let the slow rush of breathing and pulse lull him off to sleep whereas Hermann was gone within a few minutes. He’d have to make an audio-note of this later. “ You love me anyway, “ he murmured.

_Get naked in front of the boyfriend without breaking down or inciting a negative response, attempt number four million. Results: Successful._


End file.
